Quiet days now that the holidays are almost over, which is a good thing since Gavin has been so sick for over a week now!  He has been put on antibiotics and a nebulizer, so praying that between those 2 he will recover his strength and weight.

It was a quiet christmas for us around here, Gavin received some fab presents though, courtesy of Land Of Nod http://www.landofnod.com/ very happy with their products. Then we spent the rest of the evening watching Miracle on 34th Street and drinking eggnog.

Here is my menu for Christmas Dinner, it was so delish!!!

Turkey with cranberry pecan stuffing http://www.recipe.com/turkey-with-cranberry-pecan-stuffing/

Creamy Scalloped Potatoes http://www.recipe.com/creamy-scalloped-potatoes/

Bacon Stuffed Roasted Onions http://www.recipe.com/bacon-stuffed-roasted-onions/

Green Bean Casserole http://www.recipe.com/green-bean-casserole-4/

Rolls

Tea and Cider Wassail http://www.recipe.com/tea-and-cider-wassail/

Today has been filled with housecleaning and laundry, lots of it! Right now the house is filled with the smells of pumpkin cupcakes so yummy! Here's the recipe http://www.recipe.com/harvest-pumpkin-cupcakes/

As the new year approaches one thing that the Lord has been impressing on my heart as of late is forgiveness. Holding onto anger and bitterness have never brought joy or peace, and it's time to learn to forgive those that have greatly hurt me and my family. Even if those people never apologise or change, I have to learn to forgive them so I can lead a peaceful life. I'm learning that it's not about what others do to you, but how you respond and react to those said people. Hopefully 2012 will bring about some much needed changes and happiness in my life, and above all, forgiveness.

I got these OXO Sippy Cups for Gavin today. Paraben free, spill and leak proof, comes with a rubber grib and all the parts detach to make washing easy. Bonus is the great modern/eco look that I truly enjoy having : ) 

Great find today dolls, I was looking for a somewhat large, black, over the shoulder purse, and this is what I found by Ivanka Trump! I'm loving the design and easy to clean fabric as well xoxo

This is how I feel most days ; ) xoxo

It's so crazy having a 15 month old in the house! He certainly keeps everyone on their toes and teases everyone constantly. Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure Gavin is the cutest baby ever and I just love dressing him up and trying different styles on him.

Gavin Sebastian is turning 1 years old this Wednesday.........................I am going to have a 1 year old, and I just can't help thinking, where did the year go?? I feel like I just found out that I was even pregnant, and now all of sudden, I have a little man, and I don't know where it all went, and I wonder, will the rest of HIS life go by this fast for me? Because my own life seems to be passing by at quite an alarming rate, and I don't want his to fly by me too...............

I have felt a lot of judgement, hurt, betrayal, anger, broken promises, broken trust, over the past several years, starting with the biggest betrayal of all, from the Church, and the christian community. Struggling day after day with forgiveness for those whom I know were the blind following the blind, the pain doesn't go away, and I sometimes wonder if it ever will? And I become so afraid....so afraid to run into someone, to even be seen, to be known as "that girl" and I just wanna scream out 'BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT'! I tried, I really did, but I wasn't accepted, and I was rejected and cast aside, and not just me, you threw all of us away, like we meant nothing, like we were dirt beneath your shoes.

The hurt didn't stop there. Bad decision after bad decision ensued, and I lashed out. Fought back against everything I was raised to believe, I wanted to show everyone that I was the better person. I wanted to make them sorry, make them pay for what they had done, but no one cared. Oh, I was on their radar, but only for pity's sake, no one really, truly, cared, about me, my family, or what we were going through. No, backs were turned on us, in public, people walked the other way when we were spotted, a Scarlett Letter was placed over us, one that could never be removed. And then someone came along who for the first time, in a very long time, made me feel safe. And then one day, I was hurt all over again, and no longer safe......................and I lashed out again. I became vindictive, and angry, and bitter. And I did the only thing I knew would hurt the one person I loved, I left. Left him and got with someone else. 

Then one day I got the news: I was pregnant. I can't even begin to explain my thought process, but suddenly, I was that little 16 year old girl again, who was so very afraid, and so angry, and all I could think about was 'what would they think of me?!' 'They're gonna laugh, and point fingers, and say, see, we were right about her and her family all along, so glad we got rid of them!' I felt like I had ruined my whole life, ruined my parent's lives, everything, EVERYTHING was ruined, and I couldn't fix this, not now, not ever. "Friends" dropped like dead flies around me once the news got out. Depression, anger, bitterness, hatred, betrayal, despair, all crept in, and I couldn't find a way out. I was so incredibly sick, so angry, in so much pain, I hated him, I blamed him, even when I was also at fault, I felt pathetic, a loser, all trust for anyone was betrayed. Everywhere I turned I saw laughing faces and pointing fingers, eyes ripe with with sheer joy at the awkwardness of my situation, sneers and whispers behind my back, 'look at her, serves her right! Finally got what's coming to her........'

I hated every moment of it. I hated being pregnant. So sick, so swollen, so tired, it was like mono all over again, except this time instead of being super skinny when it was all over, I just continued to get bigger and bigger, did it never stop?! There were days I couldn't walk I was in so much pain, I spent nights laying next to the toilet, my hormones were all over the place, I didn't want this baby, I wasn't ready for this. All my life I always dreamed of the fairytale wedding, then starting a family. Someone I could lay my weary head down on at night, and know that I was above all safe, and loved, and cared for. I had none of that, just a thousand questions, and I felt like no one had the answers! There was just silence, bitterness, anger, even hatred, between us. I blamed him for my own mistakes, and for not understanding something he didn't even have a clue that I had gone through, but I couldn't share with him, who could understand what I had been through??? My dreams were shattered, lying in a million pieces around me, and I for once had no plan, no idea how to pick up and move on, I felt helpless, alone, lost. I kept feeling so guilty; why in the world would God allow me to carry this baby, conceived out of wedlock, out of love, when there were so many good couples out there who wanted a child, who could not have one?! Why me?! The question echoed in my head every single day, and still does. Why was I chosen for this above others?

It was a miserable summer, unbearably hot, humid, long, sleepless nights. At 4 months I was in the hospital where I almost miscarried. Then I was put on bedrest at only 6 months. I couldn't even shower without having intense contractions. The days dragged on, until the most unbearable pain came. I thought finally! It's here, he's coming! I will no longer be pregnant! I was rushed to the ER, only hours later to be rushed to emergency surgery for an infection, to be put under for 8 days on the most intense painkillers, I barely remember anything, it was all a fog. One day, a doctor was jiggling me awake, to tell me that he needed to perform an emergency C-section, that the baby inside of me could not tolerate the morphin any longer. I was so scared, was it time? This was the day my son would be born, I was not prepared for this! Sure, I had all the baby items, his bassinet was ready, everything had been washed and laid out, physically everything was ready, but mentally and emotionally nothing was prepared for this moment, and I had 2 hours, only 2 hours, to get that part ready. I just remember in my delirious, drug, induced state, calling my parent's, the father, telling them to be there. I remember being told how much of a disappointment I was, and not to bring the baby home. They took me off the morphine and I could feel EVERYTHING, the nurses said my infection was worse than the actual labour pain. The epidural didn't take, so they did a 2nd, then a 3rd one, before I was completely numb. he was born, and I felt................................nothing. I heard his cry, and I looked over at him................there was nothing; except relief. And then, more guilt, for not feeling anything for him, for just being glad it was over, for not being able to even hold him because I could move nothing from the neck down. And he was so tiny, so helpless, too early, so fragile, couldn't even open his eyes, a month too early, just over 5 pounds, yet when he was in me, he seemed so big!

Three days and he refused to nurse, refused to wake up, refused to open his eyes. Later on I was to learn that he almost didn't make it. Was I that bad of a mother I didn't even know when my own son's very life hung in the balance?! Not a single person, NO ONE, other than my family, ever came to visit me the whole 2 weeks I was in that hospital, with both of us in danger.................And I don't care to hear excuses, no one came, and I will never forget that. But then I fell in love with the most amazing person in the world, and I knew, that no matter who I lost, who hurt me, that I would do ANYTHING for that little baby, who was so helpless, who needed me, who had never been hurt, or let down, or betrayed, I knew that I would do whatever it took to protect him, even if that meant leaving his father, who would never be good for either of us, as how scary that was to admit, I knew that nothing good would ever come of us being together, even though people judged me for leaving him, it was the right thing. And I won't apologise for saving face and marrying someone whom I didn't love or didn't want to be with.........Even thought a lot of "christian" girls I know right now, did that very thing, got knocked up and married the man, either tried to lie about it and call it a honeymoon baby, or didn't even let anyone know they were pregnant until after the wedding and 6 months along, none of us are stupid ladies, so please, for the sake of everyone, just be honest, I would have a lot more respect for you if you did. It's not easy, but I am living proof that it can be done. I think everyone in the Church is tired of the hypocrisy, I know I most certainly am. And after all I've been through, losing the love of my life, having my dreams shattered, not knowing what in the world to do, having people jump down my throat for thinking I was a bad mum, if I can do it, so can you, but you have to face reality, and accept that maybe life isn't a fairytale, and that everyone makes mistakes, and that we all have to forgive at some point. 

I work overtime every week, I go to school full time, hopefully law school someday. I might not get to be the stay at home wife and mother that I dreamed of, and it breaks my heart every minute that I miss out on my son's life while I am doing those things, for him, and I wish things were different, but I made bad choices, and now I deal with the consequences and make the best of it, and am making a better future for my son and me, one where I know he will always be safe, and taken care of, because no matter what happened to me, I will never, ever, let that happen to him, and he will have the world, and he will know love, and not judgement, and if I have to sacrifice everything for his happiness, then I will, just so long as he never goes through what I had too. 

**** On a side note, I've had a lot of questions concerning why I called off my wedding this past February, I will address that in another post, because that is on a whole different chapter, and I just can't write about it tonight as I need to go to bed!********